Transcript - Episode 20: The Worst Gift Ever Given (Part 1)
Audio for The Worst Gift Ever Given Part 1
The Worst Gift Ever Given Part 1
Wed, Dec 24, 2025
“Push the Roll with Ross Bryant” is produced for the ear and includes emotion and emphasis that's not on the page. Transcripts are generated using a combination of speech recognition software and human transcribers, and may contain errors.
Ross Bryant 00:00
Here I am, nestled all snug in my bed, visions of sugar plums dancing in my head when - wait! What's that up on the roof, the prancing and pawing of each little hoof? What to my wondering eyes do appear? Why it's Cup, Josephine McAdam, Paula Deming, and Becca Scott.
Paula Deming 00:17
We're here! [laughter]
Becca Scott 00:19
If only my name could rhyme better.
Ross Bryant 00:22
If only.
Josephine McAdam 00:23
Ho, ho, holy shit, Ross.
Paula Deming 00:24
[laughter]
Becca Scott 00:25
Yeah, incredible.
cuppycup 00:28
Does that mean we don't have to individually introduce ourselves? Because that's a relief.
Becca Scott 00:32
Yeah, no, we got it.
Paula Deming 00:33
It's done now.
Josephine McAdam 00:34
Yeah.
Ross Bryant 00:34
I don't know. I think the people would love to hear individual introductions for each and every one of you, because you're special holiday pals. Wow. Just hear those sleigh bells ring-a-ling, ding, ding, ding-a-ling
Becca Scott 00:47
You call me a ding-a-ling?
Ross Bryant 00:49
Sure, we all are, in the one horse open sleigh of Push the Roll with Ross Bryant. I am Ross Bryant, and we're going to totally make up a Call of Cthulhu scenario. And I'm joined this chilly holiday season, Jack Frost nipping at our nose, by all my special holiday elves.
cuppycup 01:11
Wow. [laughter]
Ross Bryant 01:13
Well, bless my soul. Who's that coming down the chimney? Why, it's Josephine!
Josephine McAdam 01:18
Whee! It's me! Down the chimney, a sweep, sweep, sweep, I go. That's... nope, elves don't sweep.
Becca Scott 01:27
This one does.
Josephine McAdam 01:28
But crikey, no, wrong, wrong. He doesn't say crikey either, does he? [laughter]
cuppycup 01:33
Crikey? [laughter]
Paula Deming 01:34
That's an Australian chimney sweep, I think. But that's okay.
Ross Bryant 01:37
Oh, wow! [laughter]
Paula Deming 01:39
And that's Josephine!
Becca Scott 01:41
You live in London! [laughter]
Ross Bryant 01:45
"Crikey!" she says.
Josephine McAdam 01:46
I see chimney sweeps everywhere. And yet...
Ross Bryant 01:49
Josephine's in London, she's like wading through chimney sweeps every day, just like neck deep in sweeps...
Josephine McAdam 01:55
Every day.
Ross Bryant 01:55
... but oh my gosh! Wow, with your audio quality so bright, won't you guide my pod tonight? Why, it's Paula!
Paula Deming 02:03
[laughter] Oh, boy, I'm here to give all the technical notes, the gift that truly does keep on giving. Oh, I'm happy to be here.
Ross Bryant 02:13
Wow. And look who it is. It's the Krampus to my old St. Nick, Cup!
cuppycup 02:17
[Cup's best Australian Krampus impersonation] Crikey! [laughter] I'll use my time just to encourage everybody to use the comments section. If you're on Patreon or Spotify or YouTube, I like reading comments, and you could air your grievances like in a Festivus way.
Paula Deming 02:38
To treat Cup better. [laughter]
Josephine McAdam 02:40
No, they'll never say that.
Ross Bryant 02:42
The stern taskmaster of the podcast. I'm here to give you gifts, but Cup will put you in a sack and beat you with birch rods if you've been a naughty boy this year. Well, deck the halls with boughs of holly. Fa, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, 'tis the season to be Becca Scott? Yes, she's joining us! [laughter]
Becca Scott 03:01
A perfect rhyme. I'm here to roast your chestnuts.
Ross Bryant 03:05
Yup. [laughter] It's the fiery yule log herself. Becca is here joining us. Yes, you're our very special guest for this holiday mini-series. It's such a pleasure to have you join us.
Becca Scott 03:19
Thank you so much for having me here.
Ross Bryant 03:21
Of course! And you were saying before we started recording, that it's been a while since you've played role playing games.
Becca Scott 03:27
Yeah, I'm out of it, man. I've done a couple one offs, here and there, but, yeah, I've been slacking, I guess. Playing, too much Magic on the brain.
Ross Bryant 03:36
Well, no Magic here.
Becca Scott 03:39
Just death and pain.
Ross Bryant 03:40
No relationship-straining social deduction going on. [laughter]
Becca Scott 03:47
Oh, yeah, I'm into that too.
Ross Bryant 03:48
Yeah, though, there perhaps will be clock towers and/or blood in what we do. But we don't know what we're going to do. That's the premise of this show. We have no idea.
Becca Scott 03:59
Wait, what?!
Ross Bryant 04:02
That's right. We are instead going to be surprised as a wee child on Christmas morning, reaching into their stocking, not knowing what the theme of our game is going to be. And wow, why is this night different from all other nights? Let's find out! Because we're getting our title in a unique way. Why, what's that I hear? Ho ho, ho? It's our Secret Santa. [laughter]
cuppycup 04:25
Wow. Yeah, on our Discord server, Tomboy Lacroix organized kind of a Secret Santa exchange with any of the members who wanted to participate. And I drew someone we're all familiar with, I think - Andrea Pantaloni.
Everyone 04:39
Yay!
cuppycup 04:42
Just an amazing supporter, I think, of all of our content, really. So I thought that it would be...
Paula Deming 04:47
Yeah, really lovely human.
Josephine McAdam 04:48
Truly.
cuppycup 04:49
... it'd be such a cool idea to like do something in the actual play space for him, so that I didn't have to shop. [laughter] Originally, we weren't going to record anything to run for these couple of weeks. We were going to take a winter break. We wouldn't have any new content, so you can thank him.
Paula Deming 05:07
It's a gift to me, because I love everyone here. I'm so excited to play with everyone.
Becca Scott 05:13
Yay.
Josephine McAdam 05:14
Hell yeah.
cuppycup 05:15
So like all great Christmas stories, this one starts with a lie. I saw that I had Andrea Pantaloni, and I had an awful idea - an awful, wonderful idea like the Grinch. Well, what if I tell him that I'm soliciting titles for a holiday special from everyone? But I only asked him.
Paula Deming 05:35
Oh my gosh!
cuppycup 05:37
He submitted four amazing titles. So we don't have the d100 for the first title today, but I think maybe we'll still push the roll.
Ross Bryant 05:46
Okay, excellent. Now, we haven't seen these titles, of course, but we're going to randomly select one of the four that you have submitted to be our inspirational title. So Becca, you're our super special guest for this episode. You want to roll a d4?
Becca Scott 06:00
More than anything.
Ross Bryant 06:01
Let's let fate decide.
Becca Scott 06:04
Going in the dice tower. [rolls] Ah, nice!
Ross Bryant 06:07
Tumbling down the chimney.
Becca Scott 06:09
Three!
cuppycup 06:11
Three. Okay. They're all great, but I do like this one. So today's title is "The Worst Gift Ever Given."
Paula Deming 06:21
Oh, "The Worst Gift Ever Given."
Ross Bryant 06:31
[MUSIC: melancholic guitar theme] The cosmos is a cyclopean infinity of chaos, infinite branching paths stretching off to vistas in the distance that will drive the mind mad. Shall we shrink in the face of all this? Or will we climb aboard the chaos and ride it to the end, letting chance guide the way? This is Push the Roll. We're rolling dice against your Patreon suggestions to create improvised Call of Cthulhu adventures in real time with themes of eldritch horror, the weird, the transhuman, the transmundane, the cyberpunk, the splatterpunk, the anything punk. We don't know until we roll. Anytime, anyplace, anything can happen when you push the roll.
Ross Bryant 07:19
"The Worst Gift Ever Given." I can just tell you that off the rip it sounds so much like a movie that would be playing 24-hours a day on TBS leading up to the holidays. Like "A Christmas Story," which is very much about Christmas gifts and your relationship with them. It also has the cadence of like an old Rankin/Bass stop-motion special. "A Year Without a Santa Claus." "The Worst Gift Ever Given."
Paula and Becca 07:47
Yes!
Josephine McAdam 07:48
Worst gift ever given.
cuppycup 07:50
Well, my thought was also related to the cadence. I thought it had the cadence of "The Greatest Story Ever Told." "The Worst Gift Ever Given."
Ross Bryant 07:58
Oh, yeah.
cuppycup 08:00
So I was immediately like, what if we're doing a parallel story in Bethlehem?
Ross Bryant 08:05
Incredible. Whoa!
cuppycup 08:07
We've got stars, we've got animals, wise men, we've got it all.
Ross Bryant 08:11
Oh, wow. Okay, yeah. Oh, holy smoke. That is an interesting idea.
Paula Deming 08:16
Holy smokes, indeed.
cuppycup 08:19
Oh, holy smokes.
Becca Scott 08:20
[singing] Oh, holy smokes.
Josephine McAdam 08:26
What is that referencing?
Becca Scott 08:28
A 1965 family drama? I googled because I also didn't know.
cuppycup 08:35
But it starts with the three wise men following the star, and I'm pretty sure it goes all the way through to the resurrection of Christ.
Paula Deming 08:43
I knew it was religious, but I wasn't sure what part of it was. I honestly wasn't sure if it was part of like getting the 10 Commandments, or if it's actually the birth of Jesus.
Ross Bryant 08:54
It's a movie of Bible stories. It's basically "New Testament: The Movie." [laughter] I love this idea of like the actual Christmas story playing in the worlds of that era where the common era begins.
Paula Deming 09:12
I don't know, just brainstorming here, throwing it out. We could be like a group of the wise men.
Becca Scott 09:21
They were women, though.
Paula Deming 09:22
The wise people who are like we've heard of this great thing that's happened, and we're traveling to it.
Ross Bryant 09:31
We've heard of the three "wise men" - Balthazar, Melchior and Gaspar...
Paula Deming 09:37
and Gaston.
Ross Bryant 09:38
... who are [laughing] Gaston also. Oh, my God. This is so, this is, I love it. I love this. This is so esoteric, and it's right up my alley. So go into that folder of characters.
Josephine McAdam 09:55
Well, what era? What's our era?
cuppycup 09:58
Mechanics-wise, I do have dark ages. And I think that gets us close enough, right? Horses and all that good stuff.
Becca Scott 10:06
Guard, farmer, beggar? Healer, mercenary, monk?! Priest?
Ross Bryant 10:14
There were all kinds of mystics in this era. And if you're in the Roman world, perhaps you are a priestess or a votary to a particular god or goddess. Perhaps you're a noble woman or nobleman with an interest in this sort of thing. Let's just begin in Rome itself. Because it's the holiday season.
Becca Scott 10:38
[singing] And whoop dee doo.
Ross Bryant 10:40
You're all celebrating the holidays - the holiday of Saturnalia. This is really distant history. I'm sure there's somebody listening to us with an absolutely encyclopedic knowledge of this era. Its mores, mythology, political and social structures.
Paula Deming 10:58
Get out of here!
Josephine McAdam 10:59
This is not for you.
Ross Bryant 11:02
This is alternate history, and we're playing fast and loose with it. So give us some grace, and we'll try to have fun with the creations that we're making here. This is maybe not the most academic Roman ancient history. This is more in the sort of "Quo vadis?" mode. So...
cuppycup 11:18
Except for my character.
Ross Bryant 11:19
Except for Cup, who's absolutely 100% accurate.
Josephine McAdam 11:23
Yeah, I'll be farmer.
Ross Bryant 11:28
Mmhmm.
Josephine McAdam 11:29
Caspius Law. I'm a farmer just working at his trade, trying to support my young daughter left behind after my dear wife passed. We're just making do however we can, you know, we like to give back to the community and be a part of it.
Paula Deming 11:47
Oh, no, stop making characters who are my weakness, Josephine!
Josephine McAdam 11:52
Yeah, you better fall in love with me!
Paula Deming 11:54
[gasps] Again?! [laughter]
Becca Scott 11:57
And I am a mercenary with a sword.
Paula Deming 12:01
Yeah. Do it!
Ross Bryant 12:03
Yeah. Perhaps you were a sell sword that worked in the Roman legions. Or maybe you were in one of the conquered regions of the Roman world? If we're in our sort of time of the Nativity, then this is set during the reign of the Emperor Augustus.
Becca Scott 12:23
Emperor Augustus, fuck that guy. But yeah, I work for him.
Ross Bryant 12:27
If you're old enough, maybe you witnessed the Battle of Actium.
Becca Scott 12:31
Yeah, well, I don't know what battle was the movie 300 but that's where my parents were killed, and I was an orphan, and I became a soldier. And then I decided to just go out on my own instead of serving freaking Augustus.
Ross Bryant 12:44
Great. And after my whole little rant about "Hey, people shouldn't be pedants," allow me to say, like, if your parents were at Thermopylae, then you're probably very old. [laughter]
Paula Deming 12:58
Y'all, it's a fantasy game!
Becca Scott 12:59
Yeah, my name is Brenda the Brave.
Paula Deming 13:04
Yes!
cuppycup 13:05
[laughing] Brenda?
Ross Bryant 13:06
Brenda. Maybe you're a Gaul?
Becca Scott 13:10
How dare you?
Ross Bryant 13:11
But yeah, like, just throwing out some Roman names you got, like, you know your Julia, your Livia, your Octavia...
Becca Scott 13:19
[laughing] Wow!
Ross Bryant 13:20
... Strabonia.
Becca Scott 13:20
So you're saying you don't like Brenda?
Ross Bryant 13:23
Wha, no!
Becca Scott 13:23
Strabonia? Strabonia, it is.
Paula Deming 13:24
No, no! We love Brenda. Don't change it. Brenda's your name.
Ross Bryant 13:27
No way.
Paula Deming 13:28
That's canon now
Ross Bryant 13:29
Don't! That was not judgment! [laughs]
Josephine McAdam 13:32
But give me one of those, did you say Livia?
Paula Deming 13:34
Yeah.
Josephine McAdam 13:35
That's my young daughter's name. You know I was left with after my wife died. So Livia.
Paula Deming 13:41
Oh, God, and he's a single dad! Oh boy!
Becca Scott 13:44
Oh boy.
Josephine McAdam 13:46
Let's make her, like six.
Paula Deming 13:49
Yeah. I'm picturing, have y'all seen that Doctor Who episode where - I can't remember which one it is now - but they have like the priestesses with, like the hands they put over their eyes and has like eyes on them.
Josephine McAdam 14:06
Oh?
Paula Deming 14:07
Anyway, that might not resonate with anyone, but like, I’m just picturing, like I'm priestess of something very like mystical. Maybe we get visions, or, you know, like I inhale vapors and I see things. You know...
Ross Bryant 14:20
It sounds almost like what you're describing is an Oracle.
Josephine McAdam 14:23
Yeah.
Paula Deming 14:24
Yeah!
Ross Bryant 14:25
So perhaps you are someone that channels divinity, maybe whatever your patron is.
Paula Deming 14:33
Sometimes Saturn speaks through me.
Ross Bryant 14:36
Yeah.
Paula Deming 14:36
Perhaps.
cuppycup 14:38
I think I'm gonna, for the first time keep my character name from the sheet that I picked. So I chose a craftsperson by the name of Maximus.
Ross Bryant 14:46
Wow, perfect!
cuppycup 14:49
Yeah. He's usually got his hood up and his hands are busy. Bone dust is clinging to his fingers, and he wears a little satchel on his hip. And if you ever went to his shop, you'd kind of see his hobby - just like tiny carved pieces in bone that look like celestial objects, planets.
Ross Bryant 15:09
Hmm.
cuppycup 15:10
I'm Maximus. Maximus the Artifex . I work mainly with bone - pins, clasps, hinges, the kind of work people only really notice when it fails. So he fancies himself a master, but he can't like, he just can't get past making little clasps and hinges and things like that. Poor guy.
Paula Deming 15:33
Cup loves a good, low status character. [laughter]
cuppycup 15:35
Fair! I was drawn to the beggar, I'll be honest.
Paula Deming 15:38
We have this in common. [laughter]
cuppycup 15:42
I think I'll be like 29 years old, elderly.
Ross Bryant 15:46
Okay.
Paula Deming 15:47
So old.
Ross Bryant 15:48
Okay, we've got Maximus, a bone worker and craftsman.
Josephine McAdam 15:52
And that was Brenda the mercenary, right? Yeah, you're a mercenary?
Becca Scott 15:56
Brenda the Bold!
Becca Scott 15:57
The Bold - there we go.
Ross Bryant 15:59
Brenda the Bold almost sounds like she might even be like a gladiator.
Paula, Becca, and Josephine 16:02
Yeah.
Paula Deming 16:04
You probably spent some time in those pits, you know?
Ross Bryant 16:08
Yeah, I mean, this would happen like, maybe you were a gladiator who got such a following that you were able to buy your freedom and now almost have celebrity status.
Becca Scott 16:18
No autographs.
Josephine McAdam 16:20
Instead of Casper, should I do like Caspius? Is that...?
Ross Bryant 16:24
Hey, it's up to you. I'm not here to, if you like Casper...
Paula Deming 16:27
Yes, I like Caspius.
Ross Bryant 16:29
Caspius rocks, though.
cuppycup 16:30
It does.
Paula Deming 16:31
And hello, I'm Marcella, the Oracle of Saturn. I was chosen as a very young girl and taken from my family, because they suspected that I perhaps had the gift of sight, and every day, I sit in a room with vapors, and people come to me and ask for what I see. But I've had maybe three in my life. Visions, very Professor Trelawney, right? Like three actually true visions in the last, let's say I'm 20, so in the last 15 years, I've had three.
Josephine McAdam 17:09
That's huge. Three true visions? You're like a fucking prophet. Like three true visions?! Wow, wow! Like more has been built on less.
Paula Deming 17:20
Prophetess. Yes.
Ross Bryant 17:22
Wow, interesting. We're gonna set this around the time of Saturnalia, the holiday season. It's a celebration that happens in mid-to-late December. There's also time where you might worship Sol Invictus, the unconquered sun in Rome. It's time of great celebration. So we have Marcella, an oracle of Saturn, a priestess in the temple of Saturn. Caspius, a farmer. Now the banqueting and feasting, this might be a time that, like crops are coming in, things that have been preserved, or maybe you're getting some blessings too for the year ahead.
Josephine McAdam 18:00
Oh, yeah.
Ross Bryant 18:01
This might be the kind of thing that a craftsperson would also want. Brenda, yeah, you need all the help you can get, especially if you're putting yourself into mortal danger in battle.
Brenda the Bold (Becca) 18:17
Always.
Josephine McAdam 18:18
Do you think that like on, I don't know, do we call them "Fridays" at this point anymore? But like on the, you know, sixth day of the crescent moon, whatever the fuck [laughter] that maybe Brenda, you know, watches Livia for me so I can go get a little shit-faced? Like every now and then? That's like our relationship?
Brenda the Bold (Becca) 18:39
[solemnly] For this, to get shit-faced, I will do this deed. And Livia is learning quite a bit about sword play.
Josephine McAdam 18:48
Right, exactly. [laughs]
Brenda the Bold (Becca) 18:50
I made her a tiny sword. I bought it from a bone worker.
Josephine McAdam 18:54
Yes, there we go! See, yeah, there's plenty of connection.
cuppycup 18:58
[all laughing] Amazing.
Brenda the Bold (Becca) 18:59
I told her I made it. I didn't make it.
Paula Deming 19:02
Maybe everyone needs to come in to this temple and receive a blessing?
Josephine McAdam 19:08
Yeah, we need our blessings.
Ross Bryant 19:11
Yes, this is a religious festival, but it is also a holiday season. It's merriment. There's a lot in common with what you might recognize as like the "carnivalesque." There was a King of Saturnalia. Rome is a slave society, and there are slaves. But for Saturnalia, they are free. They are briefly manumitted. And what is low is made high. What is high is made low. And is there drinking and merrymaking?
Paula Deming 19:43
Yeah.
Ross Bryant 19:44
You better believe it.
cuppycup 19:47
Yeah. For Saturnalia, Maximus brings things to support all the vices - his bone dice and little game tokens, you know, everything just kind of carved from scraps. He also carves the coins. The role reversal coins, where one side's slave and one side's master, because during Saturnalia, you change it up so, you know, you turn the coin and you've gone from slave to master during the festival.
Ross Bryant 20:13
Yeah, wow. That is cool. I love this type of mythology and stuff, it lights me up so much.
cuppycup 20:23
Was Marcella's role in this official? Like, do you have a status at this event?
Paula Deming 20:29
I think so. Yeah, I think I am, you know, recognized by the temple of Saturn as an official, you know, mouthpiece for this God, or someone who has visions directly from Saturn, and would then have probably official duties that I would do as part of the festivities, I think.
Ross Bryant 20:52
Let's say you do, because the Temple of Saturn housed archives. It housed records, always handy in Cthulhu, because you always have to remember that in Rome, the spiritual and the civic are knit together. The Emperor is also the Pontifex Maximus, the head of religion. So the Emperors are going to be elevating themselves as gods. To pay homage to the gods is to submit yourself to Rome as well.
cuppycup 21:27
I just want to mention that Andrea is Italian, so this is so perfect.
Josephine McAdam 21:32
Oh my god.
Paula Deming 21:32
This is so perfect.
Ross Bryant 21:34
So Andrea, I hope for you this is totally perfect, and you're not squirming out of your skin with all of the terrible anachronisms
cuppycup 21:41
I walk in with some SpaghettiOs. [laughter]
Ross Bryant 21:49
Just see a blasted desert expanse, a calm body of water, like an oasis in the desert. And there in the distance, on the ridge line, three figures, maybe with horses, mules or camel - pack animals - as the three of them plod their way inexorably west. Three men are coming out of the east, across the desert, reflected in that oasis. And up above them, burning brightly in the night sky, a supernaturally bright star burning in the heavens, brighter than the moon, as they wind their way slowly toward a consummation - something is waiting to be born. And then see a flagstone of marble, a Latin inscription. Our title, translated now into English, "The Worst Gift Ever Given." [laughter] And this piece of marble upon which these words are carefully engraved is suddenly splattered with a red fluid that drips and pools into the little crevices of the Roman letters. As we look up and see a Silenus in human form, a portly man wobbling with women on both sides, swirling an enormous chalice of thick, syrupy red wine, staggering into a crowd so far away from the scene that we just saw of those three mystics moving across the desert. Now we are in the center of the world, the metropole of existence. We are in Imperial Rome. Augustus is emperor, the adopted son of Julius Caesar, reigns unquestioned. The princeps. The first among equals. And it is Saturnalia, and all of Rome is packed around the temple of Saturn, and the party is raging. Garlands are hanging from the tops of buildings made of marble and of wood. Structures teeter up to the sky, full of people. Someone wanders by ripping a haunch of meat off of a bone. There are strange, romantic assignations taking place in shadows. Sex workers of all genders with heavy eye makeup stroke the chins of white bearded senators as they pass by in the street. Everyone dressed in robes and togas, some bedecked with the stripes of their official office. Maybe you see some leather and armor; people fresh from the legions are walking through. People who have been to Judea and Alexandria - old soldiers who maybe were there, who witnessed Cleopatra's army defeated in the waters off the coast of Egypt. But you are all here celebrating Saturnalia, where we raise up Saturn, not Jupiter - not the eagle, the main god of the Roman Pantheon - but the father of the gods. Saturn, who castrated Cronus. Saturn, who presided over a golden age before people had to work, when the world was golden, when everything was green, when everything was new. If only there could be a rebirth, a New Testament, as it were, a Golden Age returning. And that is what Saturnalia is. Just a reveling in the joy of the Golden Age that once was. The Golden Age that might be brought back by this new Caesar. Something is waiting to be born. No something is born - the Roman Empire. And you are all there in its midst. Our sort of camera moves through this crowd that is just drinking, carousing, singing, fights breaking out. People are just like openly having sex against stalls of fruit and cured meat.
Josephine McAdam 26:23
Oh, that's how they cure it.
Paula Deming 26:24
[laughter] Yeah
Ross Bryant 26:27
A haruspex with one eye and two teeth, slits a bird open and rips it apart, looking at the innards inside, looking at the young woman in front of them saying, like, "Oh yes, it'll be a lovely year. I see here in the innards of the beast, you shall become married and become fruitful, my child." As we move through the crowd again, you see soldiers talking about their legionary travels. You see priests walking by talking about the gods they serve. And then finally, we land on three people: Caspius, a farmer, Brenda the Bold, a warrior, Maximus Artifex, a craftsman, and perhaps in just the riot, dare I say, the Roman orgy of activity that is taking place?
Josephine McAdam 27:19
Yeah, I'm starting to think, like, maybe I left my daughter at home. Starting to think that this is... [laughter]
Caspius Law (Josephine) 27:28
Yes, just keep your eyes on the ground, Livia.
Livia (Ross) 27:31
Yes, Father, I shall.
Brenda the Bold (Becca) 27:33
This way, Livia! I'll stand one side, Caspius, you the other.
Josephine McAdam 27:36
But like, you know she's got to get that blessing, so maybe she just has, like, a blindfold on?
Ross Bryant 27:41
Your daughter is with you and has a blindfold on.
Josephine McAdam 27:45
Yeah, yeah.
Ross Bryant 27:47
Flower petals flutter through the air and cling to her hair at intervals. Someone on a distant rampart seems to be throwing flower petals into the air, and they're cascading down like confetti or snow onto the crowd below. Maximus, what sort of wares are you showing off to your friends here?
Maximus Artifex (cuppycup) 28:05
I did bring an offering. Here, wrapped in a lamb skin.
cuppycup 28:09
He'll pull it back.
Maximus Artifex (cuppycup) 28:11
I don't think you always need a grand gesture, I hope. Sometimes the gods just need to see that you're trying. It's bone, human collarbone shaped with care, and belongs to a monk who was crushed by a mighty beam.
Ross Bryant 28:29
Speaking of offerings, I think I have an idea as to why you are here, Caspius. Because you're not just leading by the hand your daughter, Livia. Your other hand is connected to a rope - and please stop me, if you're like, "No!"
Josephine McAdam 28:41
No, I thought you were about to make me offer my daughter, and then I was gonna like "Whoa, Ross!"
Ross Bryant 28:46
[indignantly] No, no!
cuppycup 28:48
How dare you, Ross?!
Becca Scott 28:50
She was only just created!
Ross Bryant 28:52
This is no distant Moloch! No, this is civilized Rome! [laughter] But you are bringing a sacrifice?
Josephine McAdam 29:00
Of course, yes, yes.
Ross Bryant 29:02
Your other hand is connected to a rope, and it extends backward into the ring through the nose of a beautiful white bull - the pride of your farm - and you're leading it through the crowd. There are garlands of flowers on its horns as it huffs and snuffles, moving through the crowd. There must be a sacrifice to Saturn, and you have your choicest, plumpest piece of livestock here to present.
Brenda the Bold (Becca) 29:29
You will surely have a good, good bounty this year should you give such a gift to Saturn!
Caspius Law (Josephine) 29:35
Yes, you know, Timothy's been a great addition to our farm, but I think he will do well as a sacrifice to Saturn, of course, on this Saturnalia. Let's just make haste. You know, Marcella is waiting for us, I believe. And here, Livia, do you want to ride atop Timothy one last time?
Ross Bryant 30:00
Oh, and yeah, the little girl sits on top of the bull. Yes. Streamers go by drunken revelers all around you hear the braying of trumpets [trumpet noises] and she is there astride the bull, moving towards the temple with her blindfold on.
Brenda the Bold (Becca) 30:20
Livia, I can't wait for you to see me fight. My sacrifice to Saturn will be in blood this day.
Livia (Ross) 30:29
No one is as bold as you. We must offer him unto the God. And yet I will miss the beast.
Ross Bryant 30:36
She says, kind of embracing the thick neck of the bull. Suddenly, an enormous man bumps into you, Maximus.
Maximus Artifex (cuppycup) 30:44
Watch it now.
Junius Thrax (Ross) 30:45
You watch it! Ah. Maximus Artifex. I am Junius Thrax, the Thracian. Have you any dice for me, bone worker? My companion here swears that his dice are fair, but I say they are loaded.
cuppycup 31:03
Maximus is going to pat the pouch that he's wearing on his hip and say:
Maximus Artifex (cuppycup) 31:07
Yes, yes, right here. My dice are the fairest in the city because they're made from bone, and bone doesn't lie.
cuppycup 31:17
And of course, they're weighted dice. [laughter]
Ross Bryant 31:22
There's another man nearby, kind of dressed in leather. You get the sense that these are both men from the legions, and the other one is like:
Junius' Friend (Ross) 31:30
No, I swear to you all is fair. I won it off you fair and square, Junius.
Ross Bryant 31:34
He kind of gets in your face a little bit.
Becca Scott 31:37
I step up behind Maximus and say:
Brenda the Bold (Becca) 31:40
Hello again, Thrax.
Ross Bryant 31:43
He turns. I love this.
Becca Scott 31:48
I think she's like a little bit taller than him.
Paula Deming 31:51
Yes!
Becca Scott 31:52
And he's big.
Ross Bryant 31:53
Yeah, he's big, and Brenda is bigger. He turns around, expecting to look down on someone and suddenly looks up into your eyes.
Brenda the Bold (Becca) 32:05
Do you not recall? I've spied you on the battlefield in the outskirts of Egypt. I gave you that, I believe.
Becca Scott 32:15
I point to a scar.
Josephine McAdam 32:16
[laughter] Hell yes.
Junius Thrax (Ross) 32:19
Brenda the Bold! I knew not that this bone merchant was in your company.
Brenda the Bold (Becca) 32:27
Indeed, he is.
Josephine McAdam 32:29
I take off Livia's blindfold. She should see this. [laughter]
Brenda the Bold (Becca) 32:35
Tread carefully, Thrax. Remember it is Saturnalia, after all. You should pay double!
Junius Thrax (Ross) 32:44
Double! I'll pay the man fair.
Ross Bryant 32:47
You're really putting the screws to him. Now, let's have our first roll of the game.
Everyone 32:50
Yeah!
Ross Bryant 32:52
Can I get a, this sounds like charm or probably intimidation, but we have decided in our fiction that there's a shared history here. So I think you can get a bonus die for this.
Becca Scott 33:02
Ooh!
cuppycup 33:02
Oh yeah, the scar.
Paula Deming 33:05
He's nice now but that means he's probably gonna be pretty mean later
Becca Scott 33:10
A 38 but let's see if we can get lower.
Ross Bryant 33:14
A success.
Becca Scott 33:15
38, it is [laughter]
Ross Bryant 33:19
Wonderful! You see the scar kind of twitch on Junius Thrax's body as he sizes you up, and then suddenly he breaks out in a huge smile, claps you in a sort of like camp embrace. [Junius and Brenda laugh]
Becca Scott 33:39
I punch him in the gut, but he's wearing armor.
Junius Thrax (Ross) 33:44
My sword-sister, of course, I will pay double!
Brenda the Bold (Becca) 33:47
Brother!
Junius Thrax (Ross) 33:49
Any friend of Brenda the Bold is a brother to me!
Ross Bryant 33:52
And he slaps a couple coins into your hand, Maximus, and accepts the dice from you.
Maximus Artifex (cuppycup) 33:59
Oh, usually you pay in asses, but I will accept the coins.
Junius Thrax (Ross) 34:05
I'll give you their conversion value in asses. [laughter]
Brenda the Bold (Becca) 34:13
Those're quite some dice! Multiple asses?
Maximus Artifex (cuppycup) 34:15
Oh yes.
cuppycup 34:17
Maximus is gonna swallow hard and say,
Maximus Artifex (cuppycup) 34:20
Caspius, your offering is magnificent! Mine is so small. Would you use my bone knife?
cuppycup 34:27
And he holds out a blade that he's carved.
Maximus Artifex (cuppycup) 34:30
If Saturn demands a cut, let it be my tool.
Caspius Law (Josephine) 34:33
Don't be barbaric, Maximus. You want me to kill Timothy with your bone knife?
Maximus Artifex (cuppycup) 34:38
Indeed.
Caspius Law (Josephine) 34:39
[sighs] Well, give it here. Let's see how sharp is it.
Maximus Artifex (cuppycup) 34:44
A little blunt perhaps. But only the Oracle gets to decide whether it's a proper gift.
Caspius Law (Josephine) 34:50
Let's just get moving. This is perfectly fine. You always do such wonderful work, Maximus, so believe in yourself. Let's just get moving.
Ross Bryant 35:00
The three of you move past Junius Thrax and his companions, who are now throwing dice on the pavement.
Becca Scott 35:08
I smack him hard on the ass on the way out. [Junius and Brenda laugh]
Junius Thrax (Ross) 35:14
Brenda the Bold, you old steel merchant! Well met!
Ross Bryant 35:17
And he takes like a leather cuff off of his friend.
Junius Thrax (Ross) 35:21
Now these dice actually work to my favor!
Ross Bryant 35:24
And off you go. You pass a little cart where, instead of donkeys or goats or something, it's being pulled by two elderly men. And there are two boys on the cart, kind of like playfully whipping them as they pass by. And you kind of move through this little scene, up stairs, and the huge columns of the Temple of Saturn are now beetling up in front of you. You're moving now into the sanctum of the Temple of Saturn, the very focal point of Saturnalia. The reason why all of this drunken and lascivious revelry is taking place. This topsy turvy carnivalesque scene you're moving through becomes something more sober as you enter into this space, and you can smell that the air is absolutely heavy with sweet incense. Tapers and braziers burn on tripods, and you can hear low murmurations and singing in the space. And deep back in the inner sanctum, you know that there the Oracle awaits.
Paula Deming 36:31
Where she's waiting, I think, in front of her, a shallow bowl of oils and another area where, you know, sacrifices are made. You know, the slaughtering of animals, where there's another kind of larger table where these animals can be placed and sacrificed. And the blood runs, you know, through little rivulets carved into this little platform toward the statue of Saturn. And few people you know come in one at a time and approach Marcella as she accepts their sacrifice, breathes in the vapors and perhaps doles out a prophecy of what their year will be, of how pleased Saturn is with their offering. And she knows that three of her friends are also coming specifically to see her, and gosh, she hopes Saturn likes what they've brought. [laughter]
Ross Bryant 37:33
What a beautiful scene there in this ritual room, this rounded chamber, and there you sit, draped in robes, lapidary work dangling in front of your face, the incense and the vapors swirling all around you. And then out of this amber mist emerges the beautiful white bull with the young girl seated atop it. It's a scene that an ancient Greek sculptor couldn't have rendered and this beautiful bull looks for all the world like Europa there, astride the bull and flanking her, Maximus, Brenda and Caspius. It sounds like y'all maybe pay homage to Saturn more than the average Roman, perhaps. Perhaps this is a patron deity for you all. And there's something to the Golden Age, the degenerative and fructifying powers of Saturn that is good for a farmer and the coffers of a craftsperson. [murmers of approval from players] And I wonder what it means to Brenda?
Brenda the Bold (Becca) 38:42
The luck of continued life! Luck in battle.
Ross Bryant 38:47
Yes, yes! Watched over you in many a battle. Wonderful.
cuppycup 38:52
Maximus approaches Marcella with the collarbone wrapped in lamb skin.
Ross Bryant 38:58
Yes, you approach. Few acolytes, like young, young girls and boys kind of let you pass, and you're now standing before Marcella.
Caspius Law (Josephine) 39:11
Well met. No! I wrote this down. Io Saturnalia, Marcella.
Brenda the Bold (Becca) 39:19
Io Saturnalia, yeah!
Becca Scott 39:22
I'm gonna lift her up. [laughter]
Marcella (Paula) 39:26
[ surprised and breathless] Oh! Ah, thank you! Io Saturnalia, Brenda, Caspius, Maximus, Livia, and Timothy. Is this your offering, Caspius?
Caspius Law (Josephine) 39:42
Yes, it is. Yes. An offering, I think I would hope that we would all have some small part in, and perhaps Maximus, you would have Brenda or Livia do the honors of the sacrifice itself?
cuppycup 39:59
He offers the blade.
Brenda the Bold (Becca) 40:01
Livia, you've been working on your swordplay.
Becca Scott 40:04
I lift her up easily from the top of the bull and set her down. And I say,
Brenda the Bold (Becca) 40:09
How would you like to work on your slaughtering today, my child?
Maximus Artifex (cuppycup) 40:13
[emotionally] Oh, this is beautiful.
Caspius Law (Josephine) 40:16
Oh, God, they grew up so fast.
Brenda the Bold (Becca) 40:19
Oh, yes. Now slice fast, quick across the neck...
Caspius Law (Josephine) 40:25
Wait, wait, wait
Brenda the Bold (Becca) 40:27
...deep as you can.
Caspius Law (Josephine) 40:27
Sorry. Give me a moment to say just a quick goodbye to Timothy.
Josephine McAdam 40:33
Put my head against his.
Ross Bryant 40:35
Timothy looks up at you with like dim eyes, with long, long eyelashes, sort of blinking at you.
Caspius Law (Josephine) 40:43
You're a good boy. Oh Timothy. [bull noises]
Becca Scott 40:49
He nuzzles your hand.
cuppycup 40:53
Heed my content warnings! Then he turns to the acolytes: tonight contains blood, slaughtered animals, imperiled children! [laughter]
Paula Deming 41:04
Marcella will, I think, dip... we're gonna extrapolate what I think these kinds of rituals might have been, everyone... will dip a thumb in this bowl of oil and perhaps do an anointing sort of motion on Livia across her forehead and on Timothy.
Marcella (Paula) 41:24
It's such a worthy, a worthy sacrifice.
Paula Deming 41:29
As I touch them, so just, does it seem normal? Does it seem normal? Do I get any like vibes as I'm like, you know, wiping a thumb of oil on as I touch the bull or the child who is going to sacrifice the bull in this room filled with vapors that make me light-headed and see things?
Ross Bryant 41:50
Why don't you tell me? You're a priestess of Saturn.
Josephine McAdam 41:54
Yeah.
Ross Bryant 41:55
Why don't you give me a power roll?
Paula Deming 41:58
[gasp of excitement] Oooh. Okay, okay, okay, all right. Oh yeah, baby! That's a 13. Can I spend luck on a power roll?
Ross Bryant 42:11
I don't see why not.
Josephine McAdam 42:12
Yay!
Paula Deming 42:13
If I spend two luck, that will be an extreme success for my power roll.
Josephine McAdam 42:17
Oh, do it! Do it!
Paula Deming 42:19
And I feel like that feels right, Ross, can we do it? Will you...?
Ross Bryant 42:23
It does feel right. It does feel right, doesn't it? Great. You anoint the forehead of Timothy. You breathe deeply. You can see the trembling hand of Livia there, and she reaches out, knowing her part in the ritual, and draws this bone knife across the throat of the bull. And a cascade of blood erupts from his throat [liquid splashing noises] splashing over you, Marcella.
Marcella (Paula) 43:09
Yes.
Ross Bryant 43:11
And perhaps to no one else except Marcella, you feel this as it were, almost in slow motion - this red fluid just cascading over you, a baptism of sorts.
Marcella (Paula) 43:23
Yes.
Ross Bryant 43:24
You are washed with the blood. You close your eyes as the fluid hits you. Breathe deeply. You open them. There's not a bull standing in front of you. There is a boy, a shining, shimmering boy of preternatural beauty. And standing behind him is a very large man. The room is the same, and just see the man reach down to the boy, take hold of him, and never breaking eye contact with you, the man opens his mouth, the jaw seems to unhinge like a snake, and he inserts the child into his mouth and begins to eat. [satisfied eating noises] The shimmering ruby red blood is sort of like falling down his mouth, and you're now looking at this man towering in front of you, bright white, white as the burning sun, except for this patch of crimson red on the white beard where he's just dined. And of course, you know. This is Saturn.
Marcella (Paula) 45:02
Yes.
Ross Bryant 45:03
This man who has eaten his son is Saturn. As he looks at you and points up.
Paula Deming 45:13
I look up.
Ross Bryant 45:15
And your eye is drawn up, up into the basilica of this temple through the ceiling above Rome, above its teeming crowds, through the clouds, in the firmament, in the stars, one burning star. A star burning with the brightness of a sun shooting off sparks that cascade and seem to spiral down onto the world below. As you draw closer to this burning bright star, your eyes become accustomed to its brightness, and you see that it is a woman great with child, and a child comes out of her, beatific. There is no laboriousness to it. And the child falls to earth and another and another and another.
Paula Deming 46:24
[as if startling awake] I see this, and as these golden children are falling to Earth in this vision, I think I kind of come back to myself, and the words that come out of my mouth immediately are just,
Marcella (Paula) 46:36
Something is waiting to be born. This gift, this gift from you that I receive on behalf of Saturn, it is well received. We will be blessed! Something, someone will be born in this next year. Soon, maybe I don't know, well done, Livia. Well done, everyone!
Caspius Law (Josephine) 47:06
Livia, your first kill!
Ross Bryant 47:10
Saturn has shown you something: unto you, a child is born. This will probably be the best gift ever given. [laughter]